so far so so-so

The hound hasn't had a poo since Sunday...

He just isn't up to snuff... not even a seagull.

He's had the vet's finger up his bum and a jab to bring his fever and nausea down...

And he's on a diet of chicken 'Big Soup' and cottage-cheese

I think I know the problem...

He's swallowed a few too many natterjack taddies...and they're a protected species...

It's obviously his conscience that's bothering him ...

C'mon big feller... cough 'em up for the polar-bears !

What's that you say Skippy ?

If the shoe fits...

http://images.newsquest.co.uk/image.php?id=476996&type=full

Joystuff !

Hats and shoes and knickers off to her !

And wave them round our heads !!

Way to go Beryl !

See the blue eyeshadow...?

See the way her stockings are painted...?

See her rouged cheeks and polka-dot scarf ?

See her red shoes...?

And the black discarded one ?

What a celebration of womanly life !!

Given our small window on that generation of women...

This was her Big Treat !

And you can see how thrilled she is !

It's clucking heaven.

Respect !

'Now relax and count back from 20'...

I haven't got til 20...

20 ... 5 ...done...

'And relax'...

I'm am relaxed... just let me go Shirley/Jayne/Roxy !

Bis-mil-lah! We will not let you go !

'Now just concentrate on something nice....and relax '

But the tigers come at night with their voices soft as thunder...

'And press your spine into the mat...and relax'

Where troubles melt like lemon-drops...

'And concentrate on your breathing...and relax'

Lament...

'And ... relax...'

(Again ? Haven't we covered that 'relax' thing already ? ...)

I'm relaxed O.K ?

Relaxed, relaxed

Real-fuckin'axed

Amen.

And back for a brandy-fuelled alto-stomp with a few mates around the old-joannah ...

Phew !!

(I wonder how good I'd be as a Pilates teacher ...

When there are always Things To Do ? )

...And...

Relax !

Look...

We're still here aren't we ?

Q. Can she play geetar though ?

A. Yes she can.

Q. Where is Juzz's sticky ?

A. In the bin.

It's heartbreaking but it happens over and over..

And again on Anglesey ...

People seem to think that it's a vaingloriously good idea to pit their wits against nature...

Ferry companies do it; young adrenelin-junkies do it; elderly and experienced walkers do it...

'Oh look, a weather-warning !...

Let's get the ferry-schedules /wetsuits / hiking boots / climbing ropes / coracles out...!!'

Voluntary rescue services should charge organizers and survivors in court, so the whole sorry tales of incompetency and risk can be told...

The voluntary rescue services risk their necks on the bang of a maroon or a tragically late call from a mobile-phone...

It was a petty and spiteful principled point I had to make.

The kids were not getting the lap-top off me tonight under any circumstances, so I sat here looking busy by trying out all the keys I hadn't tried before, in combinations that made the KamaSutra look like Enid Blyton...

Anyhoo, the upshot being that lots of interesting things happened and none of them good...

So anybody happening this way tomorrow with say, a passing interest in things technical and fizzy is welcome to pop in with a small screwdriver...

I think I can still post so will sign off for the night with a heartfelt

Oh Bugger !!

Oops...

http://www.google.com/url?q=http://www.canada.com/topics/news/world/story.html%3Fid%3D62d80365-d575-459b-ba0b-fd2bc18d3189&sa=X&oi=news_group&resnum=1&ct=image&usg=AFQjCNEC7hXcLAvhJwDCEZ3R7Kyx52UnkQ

Planet Crewe is blue

And there's nothing Brown can do...

Oh Gordy, Gordy, Gordy... butterfingers !

Look o' yin great lummox, lazing and lolloping about...

'One, Two ! One, Two ! And through and through

The vorpal blade went snicker-snack

He left it dead and with it's head

He went galumphing back'

Boo !! Gerroff !!

Oh dear...

The cat needs Prioryty treatment...

We uncovered a patch of catnip, and now she's got a big problem.

It does exactly what it says on the tin...

She's all glassy-eyed and in it up to her neck...

Cat intervention required...

We blame ourselves.

Fourteen years ago yesterday I married the man I loved and still do to this day... utterly butterly but...

Yesterday he forgot our wedding anniversary.

Ivory and gold are the traditional symbols of fourteen years of married bliss with never a cross word.

There is a present waiting for him when he gets home from work, beautifully gift-wrapped in gold.

I do hope he likes it... I put a lot of thought into what would be an appropriate gift to say what I can't put into words...

I must say that Roger's solo efforts tended towards the Bruce..

The anti-war and anti-America stance were writ large..

I think Roger has found his feet at last, and you can see he is a happier man for it.

Without all those hippies cramping his style.

Apart from Syd...

The whole show was a homage to his death .

I hope that wasn't Waters being cynical... he struck me as being a genuine millionaire.

Still,

Roger got his smile out for the lads.

Oh...

Did I mention it was the best gig I've ever been to bar none ?

But next month I shall be tramping up Snowdon for a Nick Harper hit...

So we'll see.

Well, it was a revelation to me tonight that 'Wotsits' butties are a lot more flavoursome than the crisp variety.

'Wotsits ' win by a long air-fuelled cheesy mile.

On a more filmosophical level...

' Wotsits all about...

Alfie ? '

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akinwale_Arobieke

This dirt was lurking under a bed around the corner until the judicial hoover sucked it up on Monday.

Domestics kill 0.09 % of all known germs !

So...

ALLTOGETHER NOW !

Carry Me Aki [hand clap song]

Carry me aki, go Linstead Market, not a quody would sell.
Carry me aki, go Linstead Market, not a quody would sell.

CHORUS:
Lord, what a life, not a bite, what a Saturday night,
Oh Lordy! Lord, what a life, not a bite, what a Saturday night.

All the children go, "Lingo, lingo," not a quody would sell.
All the children go, "Lingo, lingo," not a quody would sell.

[Chorus]

Everybody come feel Ôem, feel Ôem, not a quody would sell.
Everybody come feel Ôem, feel Ôem, not a quody would sell.

[Chorus]

[Clap hands out and together in time with words. After each sentence clap together twice, and while saying "Oh Lordy," Clap three times, once on each syllable]

Oh Lordy !!!!!!

Did you remember to clap ?

...I did

Come on, me not wildly exaggerated Aki...

Let's go market .

'The bassist and key songwriter played the Echo Arena on May 15 as a follow- up to his 2007 world tour, which included two sell-outs at London’s Earls Court.

The only other UK date is London’s O2 venue.

Waters is co-founder and major songwriter of Floyd, the archetypal progressive rock act. He performed The Dark Side Of The Moon in its entirety at the show as he did to standing ovations throughout the world.

The gig comprised of two sets plus encores, with state-of-the-art staging, lighting and sound.

Set One included early Pink Floyd material as well as classic compositions from The Wall, Animals, Wish You Were Here and The Final Cut. It also featured songs from solo projects Amused To Death and The Pros and Cons of Hitch Hiking.

Set Two featured The Dark Side Of The Moon.
'

This old rock-chicken is all rocked out.

Boiled-in-the-bag.

Totally fested.

Can't speak.

* gasp *

I got the warm sand and fish-wee in between my toes this morning, and had a chance to marinate on the Saturday blog-meet whilst getting the soup out of my ears.

First off, I had got in from Scallyshire on Friday afternoon and rendezvoused with Eggbod in the big ale shop supermarket. A huge thank-you to her and Lord Eggbod for their fantastic hospitality and for putting the world to rights that night... I for one shall sleep more soundly for knowing exactly who's in charge...sure as eggs is eggs !

Saturday followed as day follows smoky barbequed-brain night...I had a good rummage in Oxfam for suitable evening wear. Mulled over timetables and routes until the fair Lord Eggs became desperate that he might not see the back of us unless he drove us in, so he did.

Down the road we clopped until I espied that old git swashbuckler Nick-me-lad 'aving a fag outside the Gipsy and fell off my twig with excitement. And (great joy) he was with NotBob (I agree wholeheartedly with whoever tagged him 'charming') and the fragrant diamond Jacobite. Inside scarfing alcopops lay were the irrepressibly loving Meno, the hirsuit cove Shipscook and radiantly red-headed Mrs F, cool Jenrae & equally cool but exhausted Ray, widely smiling FaffaJane & gentlemanly Nigel, the frankly adorable ChynaDoll (she's lovely) and beautiful goth-chick Louisa. Inexcusibly yet pissed fashionaby late, along trotted Rowtheboat (sleek and sparkly and disappointingly not in the least mushroom-haired) with Jeremy Clarkson aka Arkela MJJohnson and impossibly youthful Dorian Gray TKK .

Me and Eggs scrambled up quite nicely too.

Lovely though the Gipsy is, when the garden shut and we were bundled (none too politely ) inside for the disco it was time to go, and having been moved along after lighting up ( Jeez... even a pavement isn't 'outside' enough some people) a small scouting party voted with it's sore feet and found suitable alternative premises by turning right at the pile of vom into the market.

Here we could sit queasily quasily outside and drink, smoke and talk 'til 11, only periodically interrupted by phone-calls from insanely jealous bloggers who (for one reason or another) couldn't be there .... Yes, yes me dears.. we missed you too.

It was a tad 'spit & sawdust', and the bogs might have been a touch similar to one of Dante's seven circles of hell, but hey... they had a chandelier ! ...

Now, I call that pure glass class !

Eggbod and I were obliged to take a taxi home, because after all our timetable revision, the station was rattling the cat and putting the milk bottles out by the time we got there. What had been a hotbed of roller-blade action had been transformed into a ghost-town complete with tumbleweed...

Traditional Cockney/Scouse banter was soon under way, until only 2 minutes later the cabbie accidently pressed his 'seal me in and call back-up ' button, leaving us to our ladylike chatter...

So nanananana !

Complicity seems to be a common theme on a few blogs at the moment.

Juzzzy , ranfuchs and ParsleySage have all variously commented on :

The Lifelong Imprisonment and Rape of Children ; Starving a Dog for Art and Suicide Cult.

There was a seminal psychological study which might go some way to explaining the apparently counter-intuitive drive for people (collectively but also individually) to negate what is under their noses.

It was the Catherine Susan Genovese case of 1964.

She was murdered in Kew Gardens NY, by Mosely, a nutter who simply 'wanted to kill a woman' and had at least 2 stabs at the job in front of a fair few witnesses...

"For more than half an hour thirty-eight respectable, law-abiding citizens in Queens watched a killer stalk and stab a woman in three separate attacks in Kew Gardens."

When asked why he had continued with his attempts on her life when people were present, he replied 'Nobody ever does anything'.

He wasn't wrong either... was he ?

The widely accepted psychological hypothesis is that :

Since others are doing exactly the same, everyone concludes from the inaction of others that other people do not think that help is needed. This is an example of pluralistic ignorance and social proof. An alternative to explanations of rational motivation is that emotional cues to action can be as powerful as irrational ones, and the presence of a group of inactive others is a pre-rational emotional cue to inaction that must be overcome.

The bystander effect (also known as bystander apathy, Genovese syndrome, diffused responsibility or bystander intervention) is a psychological phenomenon in which someone is less likely to intervene in an emergency situation when other people are present and able to help than when he or she is alone.

Can't be arsed with links and punch-lines.

You're grown ups.

Oops, butterfingers !!

God's sake...

You could have told me !

I just needed reminding...

V
V
V

(Not my finest hour, no/yes ? )

Just.
V
Don't.
V
Start...
V
O.K ?

Does anybody want anything from the shops ?

A tiara and a pony ?

2 litres of cider and 40 fags ?

An extra 100 decibels ?

Everything that has gone before or ever will be again, trampled underfoot in ridiculous footwear ?

2ft hair extensions or a shaved head ?

Anything you can get by fractions of an ounce ?

( And always remember, what you can't buy you can always borrow and break )

Actual question posed :

'What are you like?'

Actual answer given :

A Knobhead...

Case closed ...

M'Ludd-ite-shitelings !

(Bless 'em !!!)

I've had a lovely weekend...

On Friday it was a birthday dinner (hosted by a friend for another friend) with a starter, mains and four puds. I think mine won. It was a simple yet elegant concoction of raspberries, strawberries and blueberries soaked in elderflower cordial, meringues and cream. We had a dozen cocktails followed by a couple of bottles of wine each, then there was charades and singing (lots and lots of singing...with alto harmonies...I think) ...and the tom-toms and maracas came out with the schnapps, and we all ended up mascara-down in the Sainsbury 'Taste The Difference ' birthday cake with the candles up our noses.

On Saturday morning there was a parental call for help (flooded flat... left the bathtaps on for 2 hours... again)...marigolds and hangover to the rescue.

Then six trips to the tip with all the flotsam and jetsam that has washed up in the house over the last ten years (did I say all ?... I meant some.) When a lad is a teen he reallyshouldn't have 30 pairs of skids for 'age 6-7'...nor should his dad have 40ft of old Scaletrix and Thomas-the-Tank Engine' track in his sock-drawer ... and the rest.

But you know how it is...

All broken rocking-horses, biscuits and bubbles !

But my big buzz was that

Today I got to drive a big red tractor !

And I didn't crash into nuffink or nobody !!

Just call me 'Tractor-Girl '...I insist.

I was dead made-up, me !!

*Dons dungarees and lippy *

I've said this before...

And I'll say it again...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahahhhahahahhaahhahhah...

HAH !

(Your political anylist signing off on this particular subject for the evening...)

You are wanking my chain,

Right ?

I went to a proper hairdressers today.

You might remember that my daughter tried to cut my hair several weeks ago, then said 'That looks really shit mum' (SLAM !!)

So I went to a proper salon, named after Alistaire and Simon and their paisley shirts.

Hairdresser conversation ensues...

Al : (Brightly) 'When was the last time you had your hair cut professionally?'

Me : 'Um.... Ahh...About, yes that's it...about 10 years ago'

Silence falls, salon fades to black......

Me : (Brightly) 'So how long have you had this business ?'

Al : ' 8 months'

Me : 'I live here, I've never noticed you before. In fact, even though I had an appointment with you I walked right past you just now'

Silence falls, etc etc...

How do you get out of these situations?

The short answer is... you don't.

You silently contract to shut-the-fuck-up.

But there is something just flufferly about having an appreciative snipper strutting around your Northerly bits, running his gelled fingers from your nape to your crown and ruffling you up.

After an hours precision snipping and me thinking 'My, your a hot gay...could I interest you in turning ..the heating down ?'

Dear reader...I blew it.

Tipped a fiver... (doh !).

*Flicks *

Goes home...

*Flicks*

The kids get it : ('Ooh Aahh, purty'.. etc etc')

My Beloved doesn't ('New shoes? Painted the bannister? New frock? De-flead the dog ?').

Flick off !

Ruth Kelly (the wide-eyed eternal optimist)

And Geoff Hoon (more D-Days, please)

And Brown (I'm listening la-la-la)

Refuse to acknowlege that the nation has just effectively taken out a restraining order against them.

Listening to their interviews is like being a therapist listening to deluded rictus-smiling self-harming nutters explain why why they shot their lovers in the head, yet still believe they can marry them...

'They didn't reject me...

They just sent me a message.

That I should change..

I can change, me.
'

Still...

No-one said that politics was easy....

(But for the record :

Who could resist free cakes and ale...?

Throw in a few circuses and fags and I'm totally in).

That was easy.