so far so so-so

Don't wag your finger at me young lady...

My teeth aren't going anywhere...

Cassandra !

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
A golfing umbrella and a painting-shirt
2. When was the last time you threw up?
About this time last year and it was sell-by-date sushi wot dun it... then I had to go to fragrantly pick my son up from a school-trip at 1am...they thought I was pissed.
3. Whats your favorite curse word?
Wanker
4.Name 3 people who made you smile today?
All the guys sitting around putting the world to rights at lunchtime
5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
I was flat on my back with my eyes glazed...dreaming
6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
Looking at the pictures in 'The World Encyclopedia of Wine'
7. Have you ever been to a strip club?
No, but I have seen a woman strip in a club. Her ex was there, then the shit hit the fan...
8. What is the last thing you said aloud?
''Night my love '.
9. When is your birthday?
Just E-mail me amethysts
10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
The best ice-cream shop in the universe is but a short drive away...so far it's citrus with a hint of shrimp
11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Sainsbury's California Chardonnay
12. What are you wearing right now?
I am a green goddess
13. What is the last thing you ate?
A cherry tomato
14.Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
A black and white print designer summer-dress from the Knights of the Red Cross...Love, let thy name be charridy...
15. When was the last time you ran?
I laddered my tights last Thursday
16. What's the last sporting event you watched?.
If we use the term ' watched ' loosely ... cricket
17. What's the last sport you played?
Catch the pigeon
18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Does not compute... Send Error Message ?
19. Ever go camping?
Yes... ( if the boiler conking out counts )... and under a crumbling viaducts...and in caves whilst pot-holing
20.Do you have a tan?
Not at the moment...looking a bit Celtic here Gok... ( makes note to self ...' get tan' )
21.Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
I still cry when I think of that chandelier
22.What is your guilty pleasure?
Guilt...
23.Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Never, I curse them and all their works
24.Do you drink your soda from a straw?
Yes...if there's one thing I do adore it's sipping cider thru' a straw
25.
26. ... when I attempted to find these questions I was soundly rebuked by a Quaker...
A Quaker !
27.. What are you doing tomorrow?
Reading the Sunday brick, walking the hound, painting the muriel and visiting the sick.
28. Where is your mom right now?
At home falling over the furniture and cursing the day she had me.
29. Look to your left, what do you see?
A cauldron
30. What color is your watch?
Silver
31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
My sister
32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
God yes !....love 'em !
33. What is your birthstone?
( See 9 )
34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?
Drive thru it
35. What is your favorite number?
6
36. Do you have a dog?
Broadly speaking
37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Sinister
38. Have you met anyone famous?
Yes.
39. Any plans today?
Only lists
40. How many provinces have you lived in?
How many provinces does Wonderland have ?
41. Ever go to college?
Yes, 5.... now I'm over-qualified and de-skilled
42. Where are you right now?
My kitchen... aka : ' The Little Shop of Horrors '
43.Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
It'll come to me
44. Last song listened to?
' Summertime '
46. Are you allergic to anything?
Wankers... they give me hives
47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
In my head or on my feet ?
48. Taste in your mouth right now?
Terracotta
49. Are you jealous of anyone?
Yes...I am as shallow and grasping as the next man
50. Is anyone jealous of you?
Ho yurs !
51. Do you love anyone?
A few. Utterly Butterly
52. Do any of your friends have children?
Yes.... nice ones... lucky bastards ( I have asked if they'd like to swop )
53. Do you eat healthy?
If tomato ketchup counts towards my ' 5-a-day '
54. What do you usually do during the day?
Sit on the sofa watching ' Follyoaks ' snorting coke , eating chocolates and drinking champagne from my slippers
55. Do you hate anyone right now?
Lalala...thinks happy thoughts...
58. Do you own any big sunglasses?
And very cool they look too...
59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Nope...and I didn't google it neither
60.How did you get one of your scars?
Opening a Swiss-army knife aged 13, buckets of blood outside the chippy ...
In them days we called it gravy.

I seem to have lost some errant questions... I shall set forth into the dark night with ' Shep ' and call them hither...

* falls down grid *

(Does anyone else ever feel that some memes are designed to find out whether you're rich and when you'll be out of the house ?)

That's how fascinating painting Muriel is... ( my, but she's a game old bird !)

So this week I shall be mostly doing this sort of thing (tsk!)...

You may ask me three questions and I shall try to answer them. Things that you would like to know about me or my life, my past my future, what makes me tick, what makes me sick. From the mundane to the serious - fire away and I will endeavour to answer for you... but I make no promises!

( With thanks to all sources who shall in the finest tradition of backbiting, remain anonymous ! )

I used to paint muriels quite often in my days as a community artist...

When everybody was my friend ( because I had the cellulose thinners ).

Back when I was DJ every Saturday and Sunday in a pub called the ' Shrimp Scratcher ' or summat like that... where in the dawn of my young adulthood I had darts thrown at me for kicking 16 stone transvestites/ heroine dealers off stage

Where we built a timber playground and had to go round every morning taking out the 6" nails that had been hammered into the sides of the slide so kids would hurt themselves...

Where the rabbits in ' pets corner ' were ritually decapitated...

But Muriel is back...

I've got a gig , and although it transpires I wasn't the first to be asked ( the builder had that honour but he was busy building )... eventually I get to it again and I've got a whole week to do it in ...

It's only an itty wall - 7x6 ft ( I'm still into Monopoly currency - the exchange rate is pretty good )

Although I'm not Rolf Harris ( alas, I have no beard ! ) I think all will be fine ...

And if it's not, then surely a council skip counts as public domaine for an art exhibition ?...

If only art were Axminster !

( And if only somebody had told me this needed doing before now ...)

* glares at somebody then flounces off to buy cheap shitty acrylics materials for the job *

Who need opposable fums ?

Caw Blimey !

http://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=a1f82618f3&attid=0.1&disp=attd&view=att&th=11ac0cbfdab531fa

It was all a bit life-style and food-writery...

There have been few worse documenteries on this issue...even the background music was 'Changing Rooms' ... poor Jay did his best I suppose...

But notwithstanding the sad fact that the program revolved around a family from Teddington who's appetite for avocado's kind of tipped the scales...

Being a late-born daughter to parents who were late-born children to Victorians I've always had an innate hatred of waste...

In our house the only excuse for not eating something is if it runs out of the fridge and nobody can catch it and hit it on the head with a hammer ...

It's a bit Darwinian, but fair. Even cheap cheddar and puppies from Korea can cry freedom and make a bolt for it. I'm a vegetarian, but if push comes to shove I'll eat the neighbour's dog ( not mine, he can go get rabbits).

The ratio of grain to livestock is nearly 8:1 for fucksake !

That's what curry's for...

The extent of pure corporate greed is astonishing...and whilst we might have to 'tighten our belts' by a notch or two ( and we will ) there is a whole continent of people who will snap in the middle and die ( if they had a belt )... half the world is held to ransom out there so that we can get our cow-fix !

And we were OK with that so long as we could say ...

'Pile it high and sell it cheap ? '...

Even to the poor in the West the message is only 'Eat less but eat better'

And to the poor in the third world ...

What's our message to them ?

Learn to swim ?

In the long run our markets were always going to be the monsters who ate their own tails ...

Capitalism fucking sucks

That I have cleverly hidden a x12 pack of crisps in the washing-machine ?

Ta...

(No, I mean it )

I'm hearing it all the time...

Jack Hughes...

Mum... you haven't got any money in your purse !

Mum... Come and get me from 'round the corner... what d'ya mean 'No' ?

And then the trembling self-righteous pointy

Bitten-nailed and dirty (*invests in nail-brush *) seggy finger of destiny...

Everything's YOUR fault and I HATE you !

J'accuse !

( I have a message from the darkside my pretties :

There's chocolate mousse is in the fridge ...

Console thyself ! )

Zola. ?..

Is that a new club ?

Oooooh...

Is it better than Creeeam ?

I'd like a word with Jack Hughes...

( So if anyone can get me onto the set of Follyoaks
with my smoke-bomb......? )

Right, Wrong and Real...

Sit up at the back !

Right

To first do no harm to anybody who doesn't achingly deserve it anyone )
To be in a community of strangers to get your rocks off ( but not a religious cult or The Mafia ...be sensible )... I meant rambling and you know I did ...
To put away the homeopathic remedies and do what the doctor tells you
To laugh in the face of everything that really pisses you off
To bibble along on the bottom like a bottom-feeder and come up for a glorious swallow of air sometimes.
To accept that acceptance is often the stronger option.

Wrong

We all know the answer to this one and it's writ large upon life's ally walls ...

Don't fuck yourself up ( someone will do it for you, why double the angst ?)
Don't ever leave your bin out beyond collection day.
Don't facilitate smoking, teen pregnancy guns knives or drinking ( not necessarily in that order )
Don't keep your kids in because you're worried about any of the aforementioned, Jeez...you control-freak you !
Don't ever EVER read The Daily Mail
Don't be provocative ...it's against the law, unbecoming and makes you as bad as them ...er, so I've been told
Don't get pissed off with being TOLD .(That is the wrongest of wrongs...bite your tongue, entirely off if that's what it takes !)
Don't ask anyone to C'med if they think they're hard enough, unless you want to be sectioned. Or unless of course, you're hard enough.

Real

Mini-Battenburg cakes, fags, real-ale
Teenager tantrums, true love
Old parent, old friends, noisy neighbours
Dog, cat, heavy shopping, blogging all hours
Singing out, 33% extra free bleach
Painting & drawing, wild grey beach
Jobhunting, silly motorbicycle, music and...
Mates....

God am I bored or what ?!

*fiddles furiously with camera*

Now the hungry lion roars,
And the wolf behowls the moon;
Whilst the heavy ploughman snores,
All with weary task fordone.
Now the wasted brands do glow,
Whilst the screech-owl, screeching loud,
Puts the wretch that lies in woe
In remembrance of a shroud.
Now it is the time of night
That the graves all gaping wide,
Every one lets forth his sprite,
In the church-way paths to glide:
And we fairies, that do run
By the triple Hecate's team,
From the presence of the sun,
Following darkness like a dream,
Now are frolic: not a mouse
Shall disturb this hallow'd house:
I am sent with broom before,
To sweep the dust behind the door.

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
if you pardon, we will mend:
And, as I am an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to 'scape the serpent's tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call;
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends.

Ruby Needs A Sweet Talker.

Ruby looks like she loves to have her picture taken. A real sweetie.

Ruby likes to point out "Always look on the bright side - unless of course the dark side is your bright side and that's okay too!"

Ruby says the vote on whether to drop it was ill-conceived and ill-timed.

Ruby wants to put on a play about a princess, but Max is already playing a cowboy.

Ruby does the business.

Ruby hates baths.

Ruby Goes From 13th to 12th Most Popular.

Ruby loves me too much.

Ruby has a distribution problem .

Ruby eats more hay./Munch, munch, munch./Ruby eats and eats./Kate [the cow] sees the hay./Kate eats hay too. Munch, munch!/Kate sees Ruby! 'Baa! ...

Ruby gets to play with the couch

Ruby can be removed or redefined, at will. ...

Ruby Drinks Bottle While Crapping Pants.

Ruby Makes My Head Explode.

We should be up there at the top listening to Nick Harper ...

But seeing as it's spitting and a bit chilly, we'll listen to his CD and put the kettle on instead ...

* Hitches the mules and trecks as far as the kitchen dancing a jig *

There was a mad man
He had a mad wife
And they lived in Ding-Dong-Dell
They had three children all of one birth
And they were mad as well !

So he threw them out again !!

That was so not cool !

Number of singers and musicians : about 400

Number of enraptured audience participants : about 2 ( give or take )

That ambulance outside didn't help either ...

Give them an inch and the audience is off with flashing blue lights and a bit of a sniffle.

We had to wear 'smart' black and my 80's kecks were far too shiny, and my work trews were far too long as we had to walk in trainers up to the Phil , so I got a pair of what can only be descibed as 'tuxedo bondage trousers ' from the local Cottage-Hospital charriddy shop ...

Just in time... and they go nicely with my 50p strappy shoes.

Community singing is very odd...emotional ...

There was the glossy haired posh girl's school choir in their vestements (who've sung in Praaaaag and Viennaaah in complex harmonies ) and fainted one by one...

And there were the snotty-nosed, rumple-shirted kids from scallyshire ( who handled sitting around for four hours much better than could be expected )... who just loved it

And despite being a considerably smaller choir with a rather short and funereal set, we got the most laughs and more 'More's!' than anybody else...

So...

Those distractional pole-dancing lessons did come in handy after all !

Just Loved It !!

I've been such a happy bunny today !

Walking into the wind is fine as it keeps my hair ( if not the sand ) out of my eyes but this morning on the beach when I did the about-turn I got an ozone enema...

Very refreshing, I feel much better !

I've had vertigo and felt like I've been pistol-whipped all week but now I'm all energized and set to go.

We're singing tonight at Phiharmonic Hall then as night follows day, getting Brahms and Liszt in the conveniently located Philharmonic Pub.

And I'm hoping we will be walking to the summit of Snowdon for a Nick Harper and Mike Peters gig on Saturday, if we can figure out the logistics of getting the kids out of bed let alone up a big hill to take part in this

http://www.lovehopestrengthfoundation.co.uk/

And speaking of steep hikes I'm feeling so big and clever I might even cut off my own electrickery just to spite the extortionist energy moghuls bastards...

Ha !...

That'll teach'em !

I am playing with my camera... be prepared for lots of crap !

Top dogs become...

...old dogs

Eggbod, Lord Eggbod, Juzz and RedLeader...

* Deep curt-stays and hats and knickers off to yuz !*

Nutters !

*throws flowers *

And might I request that the Rhino-lord stops eating the daisies ?

Shhhh woman...your head hurts !

x

Fathers Day...

I know I've made a joke or two about 'farters' but when I was looking at cards in Sainsbury's I got angry...

Nearly all the cards were along the lines of :

' What a worthless bungler you are, but we still love you because you do funny farts... you tit '...

Whereas on Mothers Day I get cards elevating me to goddess status complete with flat-pack pedestal and chocolates (By the way, if anyone so much as looks at my chocs next year I will have to kill you...)

My dad, my male friends and my husband have been ( excuse the pun ) total rocks for me...

We can all be flakey, but when I see decent mens faces being pushed even lower into the social mire than the despised yet celebrated 'ladette' I worry...

And that's another interesting point regarding media representation...

Maybe somebody would care to pick up on it ?

But without my dad ( then ) and my beloved ( now ) being such gentle, strong men..

I wouldn't have stood a chance at being (for good or ill) the woman I am now...

Mainstream separatism creates it's own problems.

Well hot damn on a tram...

Singing in a choir at the Liverpool Phil-( loosely named ) -harmonic Hall next week will be a bit of a trial...

All us shorties get to stand at the front, and I'm next to a belting (what are they called again ? The trilly skinny ones with L'Oreal curls ?...oh yes...Sopranos ) who outnumber us 2:1 .

And I'm in the (what are they called again ? Lesbians ? The ones with moustaches and flat shoes because their feet hurt...who get to do the really difficult dull 'duh duh ' harmonies ? )...Altos.

Big fuck-off stage and when they turn the lights on the audience will have buggered off home...

Need a new black frock...

Er...what's it called again ? ...

Pronto !!!

(I'm getting the hang of the lingo already ).

We got another letter home concerning our youngest sinister and her unacceptable behaviour at school.

Now, she is an almighty pain in the arse and does tend to treat skewel as a big yoof event thrown on weekdays solely for her entertainment in between weekends at Creamfields...

And as a parent and teacher I do try to support the school, being appropriately strict and stern wiv me borrowed clip-boards and biros ...

I 'tut' in all the right places and often suggest that perhaps the school could find it's way sometimes to do something quite radical, like perhaps detention or reparation or hiring staff who have classroom management skills...

I do the disapproving matriarch thing rather well...

But it transpires she was given her marching orders from class for 'assaulting a pupil with a muslin scarf'...

(Yes that's with a 'N' for 'SO NOT ARSED !'...)

There has been some concern among academics that children are infantalized even into adulthood by the over concern of infantalized adults...

So whether or not kids are feral or well-cared for they are doomed...

As are the parents.

Can I get compo for walking into a spider's web ?

I rather suspect I could if I tried...

*walks into gossamer / muslin scarf / wet lettuce*

'Owwwwchh !'

I demand therapy and my day in court...

In short...

Justice !

Ancient Romans must have stunk even worse than the modern variety...

That's twice I've had to trot sraight from a spa into a posh shop owned by his Shakeship for a blast on the tester perfume counter because I smelled of rotten eggs...

Hoooever, some of our female family didn't come because thay thought it was a bit too 'feminist' ......

Bath was brilliant...

There was chocolate and Cava and coffee-beans and cats; Chardonnay and cackling...

Lots and lots of cackling !!

We were only 13 in number because of issues.

The cats were well hard and eye-wateringly stinky.

The age-range was 6-79, and the 79 yr old has phoned me thrice to make sure that we got home OK. (Yes, yes...and on the third call...Oh My God No We Didn't !!)...hahaha she says, because she's deaf and er...dippy.

We had picnics in parks, and after 2 hours in Topshop I pinned my teen against the lovely Abbey walls and snarled 'We're going IN !'

What a lovely honey-coloured city it is !

We swam (well, we bibbled along on the bottom) on the roof of the steaming Spa overlooking the Abbey looking up at the blue skies and the highly dissaproving seagulls. We took the teens along, but they weren't allowed in...boo-hoo we grown-ups said..here, have a fiver for a taxi back....bugger off !

We met a 19-yr old dramatically dying ginger tom-cat on the Friday and he was still at it on the Sunday.

We watched a mashed DVD of '60s children (including me) running around in cable-knitted swimming-cozzies and cardies.

And in the 60's we ran and ran and ran...apparently we just ran around for no reason whatsoever.

It was good to be reminded of that !

One ace weekend under me belt !

Meme...

Tagged by Shipscook (who knew I was away and even recommended a restaurant ...sneaky eh ?!)

10 years ago

I was fortunate enough to get this one as a year meme and the punchline was 'I was looking the other way and life crept up and bit me on the arse'

5 Things To Do

Walk the dog in the sunshine on the beach (nananananaahh!)
Launder the rotten-eggs sulphur of Bath thermae out of my long flowing purple robes
Buy shaving gel
Buy black-pudding
Go to meeting with Social Services and the LEA ( borrow biro and clip-board and look stern ).

Favourite Snacks

Monster-munch butties; cucumber chunks and hot guacamole

Billionaire Spends

You can't have too many spiral staircases in your castles

Places I Have Lived

Goose Green (E. Dulwich); Sunder/Wonderland ; Coventry ; Liverpool...

I Tag

adamantixx
ajnspencer
# Chyna_Doll
colinberry1
darkminds

(You tell 'em !)

And...

Done !

My daughter and I shall be swanning down to Bath to take the piss waters like laydeez this weekend...

It is the fountain of eternal yoof ...innit ?

I'm trying to track down the woman who sexually abused me as a child...

Do you remember Ed, Edd and Eddy ?

More to the point...

Do you remember 'Plank' ?

Once upon a time...

I picked up a plank from the beach.

And I chalked on a face on it...

And suddenly every kid in town wanted one.

It was:

'Fuck the Transformers mum, why can't I have a Plank ?'

'Er, 'cuz you can't Son, me an' y'r mum aren't made of money y'know'

I would boil some eggs if I wanted to eat them...

With a load of butter and mayo and salt n' pepper (white) on every bite ...

I can't stand crackers with eggs ...

I feel like I'm eating the eggshells !...

Bleugh !...

*say 'hello' to him for us !'

x

Joys are like oil ; if thrown upon the tide
Of flowing life, they mix not, nor subside;
Griefs are like waters on the rivers thrown,
They mix entirely, and become its own.

George Crabbe 'Infancy - A Fragment'

Jeez...

That man was wasted.

On maths.

He is attributed as predicting that if the world didn't go veggie we'd all be doomed
(excluding lions; cockroaches; crocodiles...and Fido in the corner there...)

And that on the mass extinction of bees, humankind would follow in it's dinky little flypath only four years later...

Well, the bees are dying...

And I suppose we'd better put our hands up now and say we're shit 'cuz we know we are...

( I was told as a child to never kill a bee...and if you put a drop of vinegar in the honey traps that will put them off)...

So don't kill bees

And don't eat meat.

And don't even get me started on karma.

That Sharon Stone killed Yves Saint Laurent !

(He was very sensistive...)

Anyhoo.. Albert was obviously a tree-hugger...

And that just makes me love him even more!

He's all better thankyou guys...

Grinning from black ear to spotty ear like he knows shit from shinola !

Stoopid Dawg !

(I'll get the shovel out, then ...)

I was asked over and over again by a 45 year-old woman dating a 25 year-old boy-man.

She was all like...

'Age is just a number'

I was all like...

'Whatever'...

Age is life experiences under your belt; your duvet; your double-chins and the weather.

It's the difference between you having your second child and them wondering what they're going to be when they're a grown-up...

If you put the carrot behind the donkey, will the donkey move forward ?

'But men do it all the time and nobody says anything...!'

Yes they do...

But their friends are far less honest.

There wasn't a word in that sentence I couln't have emphasized there apart from 'Are'

That my marigold gloves didn't leak...

That well-bred cheese didn't taste of barf,

That I could tango with my husband .

I am a Prifler

A common pillager of peripheral piffle...

A cross between a philanderer and a trifle...

A bit like a meme without credits....

*I demand copywrites*

And obviously you don't tell anyone they've been prifled...

Secret priflering !

Hope you had a good one...

I made you a trifle, but when I blew the candles out on your behalf the kitchen cieling got covered in best squirty cream which I've been mopping up all weekend...

So you'll have to make your own wish.... (and cake for that matter !)

I'm busy !

x