so far so so-so

In little sachets...

Ace

The last time I was in an Irish pub...

I was burying my cousin...

And the time before that I was burying his wife....

There was barely 3 months between them...

You take a deep breath before you make a comment...

Because I loved them both dearly....

On an upnote however...

*Jiggedydee*

Once I did it...

The Peanut-Butter vid was a laaarf (and to be honest you started it ) ...

But I have learned the error of my ways...

I'm being poked and prodded by overfed little fat video-linked fingers all the time...

And I'm liking it...

'Who are you...?

What are you...?

Why are you ...?'......

In fact you've come at a good time guys, because I'm skint...

And you ( I am led to believe ) are NOT !

Where do I sign ?

Now...

You're sure your OK with me not believing in this God thing. ?..

Because with so many other religions that would be an issue..

Excuse me...

*squints at the small print* ...

Who's bride am I now ?

Jason Lee's ?

WOOHOOO !!!

(Who's going to tell him ?)

Shhhhhhh !...

Let's not...

That'll be a lovely little surprise for him in the morning !

Karma or bust or what...

Eh Earl ?

'Today would have been our 60th anniversary' quavered my octogenerian-acetylene-fuelled mother as I washed her hair this afternoon...

' 60 wasted years....' she said, smiling vaguely...

Which, considering my dad has been dead for 23 years, and she divorced him 12 years before that...

Seemed a bit harsh...

You might ask ...

Fixing the young pretender right in the eye...

Whilst pulling your tripe out along with the twisted reams and fisted dreams of domestic hosiery from the pull-me-push-me stuttering washing machine ...

'You !'

The no-you-can't-have-any-more-gravy ( hence gravy-starved ) bouncling...flouncing off to the newly ( and not cheaply ) decorated twighlit hinterland of teenshire ...

Lock and Load Sweetie...

*cuppa ?*

Note to self :

NEVER take an enochnophobic multi-culturally challenged, twitchy teenager to the Notting Hill Carnival...

EVER again...

*twitch*...

With bells on...

Poo...

When I search for me I now have to specify 'blog' as I've been taken down a peg or two by a dog and a divorcee respecively...

The dog is adorable, and the lady on the dating site seems very nice...

Neither smoke or drink (much), both have long silky hair and a GSOH and both maintain that smarts are not applicable...

So...

I saw Esau

Sitting on a see-saw

And Esau me...

To avoid confusion...

I'm the short-arsed, short-fused one with an over-developed sense of schadenfreude sitting on the stairwell, swearing, smoking and spitting feathers and shite...

So if you're looking for the other rubychoos...

(The well-bred and the good-breeders)...

It pains me to say it, but it's not me...

You're on the wrong site...

But this exercise in pain and bewilderment, being hoisted by mine own petard upon my own (not entirely) fictional user name, has at least served a purpose and given me a lesson in humility and someone to look up to...

Can I have my Scooby-snack now ?

*wags*

(Well...

How would you feel ? )

(BTW : I'm wearing a red rose in my hair, carrying yesterdays copy of The Times and gnawing on a Bonio )

Hoff to Hoxford I am go...

What's the collective noun for Morris-men ?

A jangle ?

That's what I expect to be woken by on Sunday morning...

A jangle of men called Morris politely beheading the hag on the be-dewed village green before bearing me on a litter thither to the white-horse of Chuffington for tea...

So shall it come to pass I'm sure ...

An old painting...

Snow ...

How would you prefer your Moomin Madam ?

Boiled or fried ?

How committed are you to the lack of conception...?

Boys :

Have a wank on a motorway and throw yourselves into the paths of HGVs crying ...

'Nooooo... not my billions of babies!'

There are ways and ways of being pro-life...

Condoms help...

You can sing them to sleep under your pillow...

Bless !

Had a bit of a barbie and too much to drink ?

Been a bit of a firestarter?

Pulled a couple of flaming logs out of the fire and put them into your ears shouting 'UGH' as the drunk chancers drive past...

Hoping they'll think they have seen 'Hellboy' incarnate ?

Everyone's done that !

Surely ?

*scratches*

The holiday is over...

I've got bites on my bites...

All my tasty bits are a bleeding blemish of blistering bloodfest ...

That's one mozzie who must surely die now that I'm out of the food chain...

Hah !

Bastard bandit...

Gotcha back there didn't I !

*scratches*

I'm spammed by Scientologists all the time...

Just because I took the piss...

Once..

About peanut-butter being the aetheist's nightmare

(Well, what can I say...

They are funny fuckers aren't they ?)

Oi...

Grow-UP you...!

No sniggering like little girls on my watch !

*sniggers*

I was listening to a play on R4...

Then I looked up 'cocatrice'

It transpires that a Cocatrice is a mythical being who is hatched from an egg fertilized by a viper...

Turns people to stone at a glance...

Killed by a cockscrow...

Blahblablah...

Then there is this most dreadful of decorative arts...

(The capon and piglet sewn together come a very poor second to this)

JUST BECAUSE I READ IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO...

LOOK AWAY NOW...

The most awful recipe was certainly that enjoyed by the King of Arragon:

A goose roasted alive and served not dead.

I refrain from describing the recipe.

Oh...

Close the wall up with our English dead...

http://www.adoptadolphin.org.uk/

Or possibly sat in a caravan doing a jigsaw puzzle of 1000 pieces...

Looking for the missing 999 pieces behind the pull-out sofa !

Bliss-out with Choo...

Coming soon to all major networks...

If this is true it says it all..

Allegedly there is a company with a little more than 600 employees and has the following employee statistics

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year

Which organisation is this ?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons, the same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.

What a bunch we have running our country ...

And just to top all that they have tax free expenses and the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country

GGRrrrrrrrr!

Mystery European died in NZ long before white settlers

Coroner rules on Wairarapa skull

A skull found on the banks of a Wairarapa river has turned out to be a European woman aged between 40 and 45 years, who died between 266 years ago and 302 years ago, says a coroner.

"This suggests that the deceased may have been alive somewhere in the South Wairarapa in or about 1742," said Masterton coroner John Kershaw.

The coroner noted in his findings that despite radiocarbon dating by GNS Science indicating the woman was alive in 1742, historians said the Wairarapa was not settled by Europeans until after the New Zealand Company sent settlers to Wellington a century later, in 1840.

The European discovery of New Zealand was by Abel Janszoon Tasman in December 1642, and history records the first two white women to arrive in New Zealand as Kathleen Hagerty, and Charlotte Edgar, two convicts who escaped from New South Wales and arrived on this side of the Tasman in 1806.

Mr Kershaw said there were few facts available.

Sam Tobin was walking his family dog when he found the skull in October 2004 on the banks of the Ruamahunga River, south east of Featherston.

In 2005, GNS Science indicated a radiocarbon age between 296 years – plus or minus 34 years.

Two Auckland forensic pathologists Dr Rex Ferris and Dr Tim Koelmeyer said the skull was an adult female, but was not Maori, and was probably Caucasian.

A Wellington forensic pathologist, Dr Robin Watt, said the woman was probably of European origin, aged 40-45, but he could not discount the possibility of Maori ancestry.

Masterton archivist Gareth Winter said there were no European inhabitants in the area 300 years ago.

Abel Tasman only journeyed along the west coast of the country and did not land anywhere in the North Island. And there were no records of a ship missing in NZ waters during this period.

English explorer Captain James Cook, visited Cape Palliser early in 1770.

Mr Winter noted that whalers used to visit the Wairarapa coast, but records of their activities were very rare.

Our synapses snap into overdrive whenever we experience something...

Our consciousness processes about 11 'stuff' per second...

Our subconsciousness processes about 11 million 'stuff' per second...

Our brains have already dissected the 'stuff' and decided how we are going to tackle before we've even consciously clapped eyes on it...

Why doesn't it werk then ?

Stoopid brain !

*kickstart*

Duality sucks...

The Smell Report

The perception of smell consists not only of the sensation of the odours themselves but of the experiences and emotions associated with these sensations. Smells can evoke strong emotional reactions.

The association of fragrance and emotion is not an invention of poets or perfume-makers.

Our olfactory receptors are directly connected to the limbic system, the most ancient and primitive part of the brain, which is thought to be the seat of emotion.

Thus, by the time we correctly name a particular scent as, for example, ‘vanilla’ , the scent has already activated the limbic system, triggering more deep-seated emotional responses.

Our ancient brains must be turning their graves ( and our living craniums ) with sensory overload...

I just asked Firstborn what his favourite smells were and he reported :

1. Ovaltine
2. Lynx Africa

My favourite perfumes are sweet-shop scented :

1. Coco Chanel (Parma violets)
2. Dior Hypnotic (Dolly mixtures and chocolate... unbeatable !)

My other good best smells ...

(Yes, there are also really bad best smells, but we'll come to those in a minute)...

Hot silver solder

Petrol ( 2 points...it's also beautiful in little rainbow puddles)

Air-dried washing

Raw garlic

Resin when you cut wood with a band-saw (pine is the best)

Basil (anyway I can get it )

Thunderstorms ...that crack of ozone...the rush of clarification tinged with sulpher when it hits the concrete or the tree...

Phwoarr !!!

The baddest best pongs are...

There was a time when I got a bit of a rush when my babies filled their nappies... it reminded me that poo is a good and wholesome thing

Stale chocolates and spices... mellow...

Wet-dog and people-sweat... I put these into the same category as some would rightly say 'yuk' and some would rightly say 'yum'...

Now smells I cannot bear are :

1. Meths (purple is my favourite colour and it doesn't smell like this )...

2. Butcher's shops (I can stand straightforward blood, but that half-life between the dead and the disinfectant simply floors me )

3. Apricot jam (It's probably a 'Bring & Buy Cake' thing )

We've had the smell of sex and the smell of suicide..

Bring on the Ovaltine Lynx...

We know we're worth it !

This kestrel was hovering above our heads and diving into tall grass only a few feet away...

You'll need to put your specs on and dim the lights...

Sorry I couldn't get a better pic, but with my egg-butty in one hand and the blunderbuss of a hound's lead wrapped round my ankle as he rampaged onward and I skittered through the thistles on my back shouting ...

'SSSHHHH... LOOK !' ...

There wasn't a big window of opportunity to shoot it...

But I tried and I hope you get the idea...

Then suddenly there were three of them giving us evils ...

So we left...

Wonderful !

My kind of Sunday.

Time for a spot of old news ...

A plane was forced to make an emergency landing in Germany after two British women tried to open a cabin door...

The women, aged 26 and 27, were drinking heavily and had to be held in their seats by security staff.

The women had then said they wanted to open the door to get "some fresh air" into the plane.

"Their language was totally unacceptable, as was their behaviour. They were very nearly hoisted by (but not 'on'') their their own petard" the spokeswoman said...

Apparently to gain some points in a pub quiz...

Let it work;
For 'tis the sport to have the enginer
Hoist with his own petar; and 't shall go hard
But I will delve one yard below their mines
And blow them at the moon:

' Oh no, that would have been really awful ' said the bar manager...

'Everyone on the plane would have been sucked-off' !!

Now, come on ...

We can't have this...

Stand-by...

Brits crash landing on Runway 69 !

*waxes moustache*