so far so so-so

Studies of two chavs (Sharon and me) indicate that there is no finer saltier perfect little mouthful ...

May I state my position clearly here ...

I don't believe in god or fairies or ghosts...

I believe in a non-belief system that's highly unlikely to change ...
you score 8/10 for trying...

So...

'Bye then !...

My heart has broke

My feelings spoke

Anon.

People say that you might as well eat the cardboard packet they come in for the nutritional value...

I don't know about that...

But it's true that they taste the same...

Trust me ...

*spits *

Beloved got the electronic keyboard out ...

I said 'Yay... piano!'...

He said 'No... drums effect'...

I feel like ten kinds of fool...

Hooowevver... ...

Joolz Holland still hits bottom on my list...

And I still don't know if that's a good or a bad thing ...

We watch telly with *subtitles* now and highly entertaining it can be too...

Especially with live football...

And it can get very surreal ...

Last week we wandered into S4C coverage of the Eisteddfod and realised that the necessary delay didn't quite explain all the slips twixt cups and lips...

Things like...

'And the winner is... my brain is mush ... I prefer jelly... tulations !'

Too much jelly harms her tummy. What is wormwood? It tasted like. .... with Tom to Towyn # Ffa la la la la la la la la la la # S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf. ...

I love Testun Cyf and demand their expertise in the art of subtitling be deployed on all programmes forthwith (particularly 'Bones' )...

She has a stemzoid aticulated did someone mention ice-cream embedded in her outer I'm off in 5 minutes porkchop lobe cu x

Although I imagine that a few killjoy non-Welsh-speaking deaf people might be a bit pissed off with them ...

From you said mum's social worker at the hospital a few days ago...

What happened was :

Old lady is getting evicted decanted from her council flat, (which is actually scandalous) but as it happens there is a 'compensation' package. Old lady said 'Nooo, as a point of honour I shall never move from this very spot'. That's until she's downwind of the cheque ...

Then she's 'phoning up ten times a day howling

*ringring* 'Get me out of this place, I can't cope, I'm nearly NINETY I'll have you bloody-well know. I want to come and die on your sofa !'

As it happens, she is also ill (did I mention that she is old ?)and once we had convinced the doctor of this fact she happily went into hozzie, where they decide that she is 'unsafe' to discharge home...

So I juggle fat fizzy balls in the air and get her sorted with temporary respite care and a permanent home at local Abbeyfield .

*ringring* 'Nooo, I can't stay here, I'm surrounded by stupid old people, I'll cut my throat y'hear CUT MY THROAT!'

Shit, methinks... and move her to another respite home down the road, where they ask about her every requirement, take the telly out of her room, throw rose petals on the Stannah stair-lift and bear her on a litter to a place of rejoicing...

'Oh' she says 'This is very nice'...

I take her to her old flat the next day to help her sort herself out for her permanent move, go to buy her a new bed, bump it up the stairs at my house then get a phone call...

*ringring* 'Nooo I'm not going back there, it's full of stupid old people, the other place was paradise compared to this, I'll cut my throat etc etc'...

Her medication (along with eating occasionally) are crucial, so I go to the home, sign out her meds, buy her some grub, take it to her, stay there...

Next day I take her to the outpatients for her blood-test and call her social worker in to resolve the issue...

The social worker sensed some animosity (because they're good at that, if not at re-homing or even helping nuts, ill old people who've been evicted from their own homes by the sodding council)...

And I've been informed that we are going to be invoiced for the time mum has been in care since leaving hospital...

Hmmmm...

What gave my entirely unwarranted hostility away do you think ?...

Could it have been the cut of my jib ?...

My cavalier attitude ?...

Or chewing the legs off mum's walking frame before making a break for it?

If you've got the snuffles it's a summer cold ...

If you feel like shit to the point of not being able to eat or get up to watch TV then it's 'flu of one kind or another...

Paracetamol and lots of fluids and to the docs whether you/they like it or not...

Stay in bed for a week you selfish wanker...

(I'm free to snork)...

There's a job with my name writ all over it laaarge ...

'Learning Officer' (peeps wot makes other peeps learn)...

Art too ... (I'll take you there in a minute)...

I can do that...

Piece of cake...

Simps ! ...

*whimpers*

Inbetween darting hither and yon 'twixt Firstborn and mum...

I was minutes away from a Child & Family meeting, the rain was bucketing down so I popped into an Oxfam shop...

There was a woman with one arm pushing a Henry-hoover around with aplomb...

Was it very crass of me to ask her 'how can you do that when you've only got one arm' ? ...

Hoowever, I now know how to handle a Henry...

And later there was a meeting on the Listening Bus, looking at equipment that might help Firsborn, and there was this bright sparky woman who puts up with shit and cheap hotels to do this...

When she learned that Firstborn was also Asperger's it all went pear-shaped because she has an older Asperger's brother who has basically wrecked her and her family's life...

She ended up in tears because she, as a sibling, has never had therapy and she was telling me the story that Sinister is telling now...

How awful it is to grow up with someone you try to love spitting in your face and telling you that they are going to kill you , actually getting the knives out and threatening you, watching your mum and dad tear down the middle and not knowing what to do, taking each battle as it comes with no chance of winning...

Firstborn... horrible and brave... it's always got to be
About him

And mum, struggling and confused, old and ill yet not beyond complaining, in a nasty respite home for a few days, screaming at me again that everything is my fault ...

I was always hard-faced...

Now I'm harder...

Brav-fuckin-o !

Eggbod did an ace post on Mock the Week...

*thumbs up my lovely*

Russell Howard's sketch though brought back memories of two weeks ago...

Sinister and her cousin had snuck up into the woods behind where we were staying and despite several 'phone calls would not come in. It was nearly midnight so my cousin and I went to find them (that's when we saw the deer thundering across our path)...

We got downwind of Lola-the-Westie, and hid behind a tree when the girls were within earshot... then as they passed us in the total darkness we pounced...

'ROAR !!!'

I was hoping for a total freakout...

What we got was a nanosecond of freakout (far less time than it took to say 'boo ' to a goose), and while my heart lost the adrenaline and the will to live, I watched two teens clopping wending their way homeward, one of them glancing over her shoulder to say...

'Mum... just grow up will you ?'

Bah !

Foiled again !...

We also sang Joshua; Lean on Me; Fields of Gold; Bad Moon Rising; How Can I keep from Singing ? and California Dreaming

Then we trekked down to St Mary's to have a fag sing Hallelujas of the Leonard Cohen variety and scarf pasties on the back pews (altos get away with this sort of thing)...

It's not The Messiah, but quaffable enough stuff for a rainy afternoon in Chester...

The heavens opened just as we set sail for home, coinciding nicely with chucking-out time for the black-suited and trainer-booted from the Chester races, the mightily cross (when aren't they ?) Orange-Lodge marchers from Liverpool and damp revellers from the damp Wirral Show...

Which was nice !...

http://www.esnips.com//SlideShowPlayerAction.ns?id=623b7a26-aa03-4423-adde-e4c80fb6c166&name=Big%20Sing%20Sound%20Central%202009

She's been is hospital for two months (barring the mishap where she was sent home basically frothing from the mouth and falling over every five minutes)...

And the other mishap when she went arse over tit on the ward and went all yellow and purple like a pansy...

Mum is going into an interim care home while I do the paperwork...

Paperwork ?

Moi ?

Ruby-The-Administrator-Cometh ! ...

It's been a long long long long long and lonely time...

(If anyone could find me that vid as a prezzie I'd be amazed and grateful to the point of dead!)

When I came back from me 'olidays Beloved had blown the hoover up in a kaboom way, and as it would have cost as much to get it repaired as to buy another one, commonsense dictated that I slap my Platinum card on the hooverman's desk shouting 'huzzah' nip to the bank to beg for mercy and get one of these...

I'm not denying that Henry has the gazzilions of wattage required to inhale Aladdin's magic-carpet mid-flight at 200 ft, plus the matching curtains and tea-cozy ...

Yet whilst it can happily blackhole a whole dog, will it deign to pick up one doghair ?...

Noooo.

The smiling face of vacuuming follows you round on caster-wheels oiled by the god-of-suck himself, but just you try to show the carpet the business end and you have to push like you're giving birth to a fully grown camel...

In a filing cabinet.

How I want to wipe that smile from his happy little orange face...

Damn you Henry...

Damn you and all your works, including your add-on-extras and hoover salesmen, to hell !...

Yes you heard me right... hoover hell, where the hoovers go to burn !

*shakes fist at an apparently unperturbed Henry*

That I'm too lazy to respond to memes that require more than 3 paragraphs...

No really...

Zzzzzzzzz...

My large chest measurement gave me nothing but anxiety, shame and regret from a young age, and awkwardly still does...

Honestly, it's taken almost a lifetime and I'm just getting over them ...

I'm not anti-men by any means, but these boobs have defined me for so long...

And men have been crass about them and my sexuality since I was 11 because of them...

The upside was that I had such a clear-shot on life, I knew I was going to end up with a good'n or die as an old maid in the attempt...

EDIT : When I say old maid I don't mean ... not that there's a problem with that...

I meant really pissed off and living with a house full of goats or summat...

Moving on....

This is a lovely painting by Monet...,

(This is why the local art galleries won't hire me !)

Four hours out of my life...

I've suggested that these annual female family get-togethers should be team-building exercises ...

When they come to me next year they can build a sodding raft...

My cousin bought this flat-pack lampshade at Copenhagen airport 2 years ago and it had been lying in it's box ever since...

Someone had to do it...

The flat-pack Norm...

What a lovely concept ! ( a bit like life, really )...

It made a great hat...

Do you remember the old primary-school playground game 'They look dead' where children psyche themselves into a state of being able to raise an inert body off the floor with the power of their fingertips...

Is it my imagination or did we actually do it ? We did didn't we ?...

And where you could pull somebody back by an invisible thread from between their shoulder blades ?

And later, in teen-shire, the ouija-board scare fests in dark bedrooms ...

(There was a time when you could buy ouija boards at all good toyshops. My mum bought me one and a set of tarot cards, presumably in the hope that I would turn out to be less cynical)...

She was well into all of that (and hypnotic-regression) for a few years between reinventing herself between The Express and The Telegraph and tried to drag me in...

Very dangerous and damaging no doubt...

*tsks*

Lordy, fun though !

Nowadays a kid's idea of 'psyche' is to offer you a handshake then thumb their nose or smack you in the face with a baseball-bat...

Innocence lost...

*sighs*

Cheeezy and old as the most knackered jockstrap on the most knackered man on this planet ...

It's not a one or two or even a pathetic three or four...

Five gold stars go to ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-RBjwQroGNE

(I haven't got much puff left)...

Well, if not exactly now-this-very-minute...

A bit soon then...

We're singing our little hearts out on 11th...

Get in...

Verwood turns out to be in the literal middle of literally nowhere...

Which is nice, as I got to walk the Lola-the-Westie in the woods ...

Sinister and I got a lift into Bournemouth once (lots of French waiters and balsamic vinegar)...

I loved it, the beach was lively and blue-sky-pie-eyed, and the Red Arrows did a couple of flips...

I really really wish I'd had a go on the Helter-Skelter at the end of the pier, but Sinister didn't want to, so I didn't (but I will next time)...

There was a big screen in the gardens showing Wimbledon...

I bought pretty flip-flops from Claire's Accessories, which I immediately had to sacrifice for Sinister's godawful gladiator footwear cuz they wuz just killing her...

I gave a passing salute to the Russell Cotes museum on our way up to the Landsdowne roundabout and the KFC therein...

I hope he noticed...

I've just realized that a post I did in May about an exam cock-up has gone into 'keywords' as cock examination

Which brought to mind a story about a friend who's BF somehow contrived to get a tick on his scrotum during a camping holiday. That night he duly sat straddled in the tent while she headed south with a torch and had a thorough gander ...

Well, you can imagine the shadow display and what the neighbours thought !

However, it seems apposite to mention the importance of male self-examination about once a month after a hot bath or shower. Men (especially the young) can be extraordinarily shy and/or lax about sexual health matters whereas women seem to be more prepared to have things out in the open, so to speak...

A visit to the NHS website doesn't hurt ...

The 30 chimpanzees were finally rounded up in Chester zoo's woefully inadequate administrative block, squabbling over two Apple Macs in a futile effort to disprove the infinite monkey theorem...

SpokesChimp Bobo later commented :

'We wanted to prove that Shakespeare was a hack, but we didn't know what 'infinitely' actually meant until we Googled it'...

He went on to state that the evacuation of 5000 humans was a complete overreaction and that they should have been given their chance in the wild, adding that...

'Nobody ever takes a poll on the top Chimp sandwich-filler do they, eh ?'

PR chief Loretta blew bananas through her teeth and exclaimed :

'Turns out we can't swim either, so the whole 'escape via the lagoon' plan didn't turn out very well, and that's one committee that's sooooo fired'

However, far from being despondent the Chimps agreed over canapes at book club this evening that they do indeed 'live and learn'...