@ 2009-11-22 – 04:43:40
There are two things I can't deal with ...
Hypocrisy ...
Do not commit treachery or deviate from the right path. You must not mutilate dead bodies. Neither kill a child, nor a woman, nor an aged man. Bring no harm to the trees, nor burn them with fire, especially those which are fruitful. Slay not any of the enemy's flock, save for your food. You are likely to pass by people who have devoted their lives to monastic services; leave them alone."
Faith is lies.
@ 2009-11-22 – 04:18:05
Once upon a time there was this princess who was quite simply the bees bollix ...
She could do the Times crossword, leap tall buildings in a single bound, swim in caves and paint pictures and...and just everyfink (she wasn't called the bees-bollix for nothing)
And one day life who the princess would like to say wore a grey cloak and pointed a gnarly finger upwards, but didn't actually (in fact life seemed quite pleasant at the time, a bit like an extra from Coronation Street)...
'Lo !' said Mavis (because by this time we've convinced ourselves that it is she) ...' you shall achieve greatness' ...
So that bloody princess bloody well pulled her thermal socks up and did ...
And how big are a bee's bollix ?
'Ooh-er' said the princess ...
Well, it's all relative (not to mention metaphorical) innit ?
@ 2009-11-21 – 22:37:17
The hound is scratching for England ...
He develops this 500 yard stare, then his hind leg comes up to scrat and his teeth come down to clat and then he's solid gone for ten minutes, seven-stone of canine bliss with his face all melted on one side (like in the ad) because he's scratching an itch...
Twenty-five quid it cost to kit-up for flea season now the radiators are on, but it's worth it as anyone who ever had a proper flea infestation will know ...
In real terms (and for those who haven't yet got to grips with the metric system) that's a lot of kettle-chips the hound owes me ...
@ 2009-11-21 – 20:28:00
I've said it before and I'll say it again ...
Time to go. In fact way beyond time to go ...
You have single-handedly made the Mighty Reds mediocre ...
Boo, Gerroff !
Yes, you in the Armarni beige anorak ...
@ 2009-11-21 – 19:43:58
Yet another set of parents of Sinister's friends have split up ...
That leaves, let me see (counts fingers and toes) not one of her close friends with parents who are still together, let alone *whispers* happily married ...
She is apoplectic with embarrassment, poor kid !
But help is at hand ...
She's booked on Trisha and considers Jeremy Kyle a close personal friend ...
@ 2009-11-20 – 22:45:50
But that was lovely tofu !
Friday is chippy night, and we are spoiled round these parts in that the fish and chip shops are joined at the hip with Chinese takeaways.
Firstborn starts getting dreamy about his Friday night steak pie dinner shortly after Thursday lunchtime, while every week Sinister peruses the three-page menu for an hour before settling on curry and chips.
Beloved has developed a taste for duck in plum sauce, and trying to claw back some righteous points as a lapsed veggie, I opted for the sweet and sour tofu. Much to my surprise it was delish ...
Most chippies are a sobbing disappointment. How hard can it be to fry a potato until it tastes of a fried potato and not a parboiled pre-loved insole ? Apparently very, very hard indeed ...
But our new chippy is brilliant They can cook, it's cheap, it's just at the top of our road and they deliver! So although we practically share a bin and can see the sweat on the chef's brow from our unsteamed kitchen window, we can get into our PJ's, pick up the phone and dinner comes to us ... bliss ! 
And doing good tofu is way beyond the call of duty. I didn't even know it could be done. So respect to you my sweaty little chippy chef... I salute you !
@ 2009-11-18 – 01:31:12
Documentaries would have us believe that scientists live in a world of baffledom ...
'When scientists discovered blah they were baffled'
'Scientists were baffled when blah came to light'
'At first, scientists were baffled by blah'
Oi, you scientists !
Just get a grip willya ?
If you're baffled how do you think the rest of us feel ?
@ 2009-11-18 – 00:13:29
For the first time in nearly thirty years I got my charcoals out to draw naked humans ...
I always loved life-drawing (life-painting was even better) ... the human body is like a Simplicity sewing pattern, cut from the same cloth and to the same shapes yet with varying quality of materials, widths and workmanship .
The fluidity of the familiar muscle, fat and bone should be as easy as teaching a child how to draw a cartoon cat starting with a horizontal figure-of-eight ...
But it aint because drawing people is harder than I remembered.
Sod debates on perspective, analysis, watercolours and oils, unless you've got a model who is a witchy-like familiar you won't be able to see the wood for the trees.
I turned up today for a two hour class (in between the mobile maliciously buzzing several times to alert me that the world had gone pear-shaped because I'd dared set foot outside the door). There were two fantastic models posing on cushions in front of the two-bar heater. But they weren't Judith .
Judith was our major and favoured model at art college. She was short, fat and creamy-white with varicose veins and dyed black/purple hair that cascaded down her particularly shaped back in it's particular way. We painted her sitting up, lying down, dressed, undressed and sideways, but I don't think we ever spoke to her except to grunt 'thanks'
I looked and measured, filled in and rubbed out, and wondered nearly all the time about where Judith is now ...
@ 2009-11-16 – 11:15:59
Mornings like this on the beach are bliss... 
The white blob in the centre of the second pic is a little egret, one of a pair who are getting quite huffy with the amassed knots and other greedy little waders. I had the excitable hound with me so couldn't get any closer with the digi.
I also took a wobbly video of the knots having one of their frissions for a few seconds, but can't get it to download... grrr !
@ 2009-11-16 – 09:29:05
Getting two foul-tempered teens up and out on Monday morning brings all the joys of a particularly aggressive rugby scrum, with much 'hup-hupping', gnashing of teeth, hurled footwear and unveiled threats of physical violence.
Despite my best efforts at retrieving discarded uniforms from behind dusty radiators and atop light fittings, laundering and folding throughout the laughably termed 'day of rest', the kids still manage to stagger out of the house looking like Catweazle after a bad night in a haystack.
I invariably offer up words of wisdom 'Well, if you got more sleep at night'...
Firstborn yells back 'I don't need sleep at night, I need sleep in the f***ing morning !'
*SLAM*
@ 2009-11-14 – 01:19:50
I didn't want to go, what with the tiredness and the gumboil and the general arse-feck of it all ...
Tonight I sang with the choir in a crimson art gallery for St John's Hospice ...
The songs were sad with uplifting moments :
Lean on Me
Your Song
Rhythm of Life
Fields of Gold
How Can I Keep From Singing ?
Tears in Heaven
I Dreamed a Dream
Lament
Only You
and ...
Goodnight Sweetheart
Now you might find that set maudlin, but there was lots of happy banter inbetween and we sang our hearts out to people who were there for a reason, and one that we often unfortunately share.
It was wonderful
Disregarding the fact that the Victorian-themed-with-bonnets-on buffet didn't extend to doggy-bags for the starving singers
(Thanks to Gilraen)
@ 2009-11-14 – 00:04:41
1. Have you ever taken part in a demonstration?
A couple of 'right-on' rallies and lots of hunt-sabbing in my yoof. In the privacy of my own head I'm waving placards non-stop, a bit like an even worthier Daily Mail reader with a bigger cob on.
2. Is there an issue you’d protest against?
Yes. Are we sitting comfortably ? Then let us begin ...
3. Through-out history there has been an event that has lead to every day at one point or another being called “Bloody.” What’s the worst day of the week for you?
Has there really, historically ? I haven't got a worst day of the week but I'll gun for .... oh I don't know ... Thursday. Chances are 1:7 that Thursdays are the tipping point
4. There have actually been eleven Bloody Sunday events around the world, the last one (1972) leading to a song by U2. Which world wide event would you like to see a song written for?
Boxing-day tsunami 2004. And 'Oi Bono ! yer still a twat!' ...
5. The one person I’d like to see in prison is …………………… for the crime of … ?
For crimes against humanity ? War criminals, obvs ....
Not Gary McKinnon (for gawd's sake get a grip USA and British Big Al Johnson... back OFF
And ... oh deary dreary me ! I seem to be on the side of the Mail in this instance ...
Never mind, like all readers and voters...
I am a movable feast
@ 2009-11-07 – 02:39:16
You-can-always-go-back-and-re-tag-your-posts-under-a-million-words-and-without-hyphens ...
Das Tag enthält zu viele Wörter. Ein Tag darf nur aus maximal 5 Wörtern bestehen. Bitte trenne Deine Tags mit Kommas und nicht mit Leerzeichen.
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Thank you for your understanding. We hope you enjoy the new improved tag system.
@ 2009-11-07 – 01:23:24
1. Do you have a favourite part of autumn?
The Indian summer, after the leaves have turned but before things get horrid.
2. "It's too cold to snow!" Do you think it ever is?
Nope. It's fucking freezing when it snows, hadn't you noticed ?
3. Do you feel there is still a place for British Summer Time or should we just stop changing the clocks?
What clocks, and who's this we ?
4. Are there certain meals you only eat in certain seasons (salad in summer, stew in winter)?
I'm all for spicy lumpy root-vegetable casseroles. In fairness to the kids though, they won't eat those in winter or salads in summer because Vitamin C and roughage is like stoopid
5. Autumn is...?
Mellow fruitlessness
@ 2009-11-07 – 00:40:26
My eye is nearly all better (remarkably fast healing in eyes, something to do with blood supply) thanks for your good wishes ...
Tonight our choir sang for deaf children in the Congo ...
Sheesh ...
Talk about a tough crowd ...
We were at a Northern Working Men's Social Club who's quagmirey carpets would have made Bernard Manning's eyes water (I've got a soft spot for old Bernard, who was totally unfairly voted 16th in 100 worst Britons after he was dead, but that's an argument that will have to wait)...
Anyway, we sang the songs the whole world sings when it's a bit pissed, and brought in a small audience who bought the raffle tickets...
The money raised will help enable medics in the Congo to fit hearing-aids and fund cochlear-implant operations for some of the most economically-ergo-health-disadvantaged children this world knows ...
And the Co-Op is still running it's National Deaf Children's Society gig for rest of this year by the way.
@ 2009-11-05 – 11:04:10
I woke yesterday morning with a searing pain in my right eye. It doesn't make survival sense that the other eye refused to open in sympathy, but it wouldn't, so Beloved had to run me up to the hozzy where they spotted a black & white foreign body and managed to flush it away. I spent the rest of the day zonked out on painkillers, babystepping around and bumping into things (like the black & white dog and black & white cat .... hmmmmmm).
I have a scratched retina and an eyepatch so can't drive for a couple of days and am relieved of the responsibility of dealing with mum's meds after all ...
Be very careful what you wish for !
@ 2009-11-04 – 01:16:53
Abbyfield residents are sooo genteeeeeel they crap rooobies ...
Stick it...
@ 2009-11-04 – 00:50:22
Foxhunters, warmongers, Anti-Europeans and anti-abortionists are all cunts ...
Apart from that I'm completely impartial ...
Wankers anyway innit ?
@ 2009-11-03 – 23:17:21
I found myself today talking fiveways ...
One to the internet glory that is e-mail ( No we won't fill in the form that allows to access to £20 quids direct payments a week at a cost of £12 a month, but thanks anyway HSBC )...
Two to the mobile (Sinister's sick and sobbing again)...
Three to the landline (Where Is Firstborn ?) He's walking 7 miles home in the pissing rain is where he is, but we don't know that because Sinister's got his mobile and is now tucked up in bed ... the taxi and bus-drivers pull out all the stops and start a search for a vulnerable young adult and call me back every 10 minutes ...
Four to the district nurses and social workers who can't possibly be expected to administer my confuseddotcoms mum's medications 4 times a day ... I have to do it . I conclude that they are overreacting in a Hyacinth Bouquet twirly pit of Abbeyfield Hell way, and things have a habit of sorting themselves out ...
And Five ...
To the trusty wall who absorbed all my pain and yet asked so little ...
When I had a phone at the end of each arm and was looking at the inbox in the middle , I perchanced upon the dodgy artex ...
Who you gonna call ? (it whispered hopefully )
The Plasterers ? ...
@ 2009-11-02 – 14:13:12
I missed this story at the time, but it might still be of interest to people following the progress of the hunting ban.
I know where I'll be doing some of my Christmas shopping ...
Vandals target anti-hunting Lush
Branches of ethical cosmetics chain attacked after campaign launched in support of saboteurs
By Tom Peck
Monday, 19 October 2009
In the past week, the cosmetics chain Lush has seen its branches vandalised and its staff threatened, immediately after it launched an anti-fox hunting campaign. In Chelmsford, Essex, a man returned to the same store on three occasions to knock over a display of Fabulous Mrs Fox bubble bars, the proceeds from which Lush donates to the Hunt Saboteurs Association (HSA). Staff called police.
Store manager Sue McKenna said: "He first came in on Tuesday, knocked over all the bubble bars and leaflets, and said he was going to come back every day until the campaign stops. Then he ran out. When he came back the third time, an off-duty police officer was in the shop, who told him to leave. It was then that we rang 999." Essex police were unavailable to comment on the incident last night.
In Manchester, members of the HSA had been invited to the Lush store to help with the campaign and hand out leaflets. But a few days before the event, a man entered the shop and told a member of staff that "there will be trouble" if it went ahead. Staff contacted police, and were relieved when the event on Saturday passed without incident.
In Maidstone, Kent, a kebab was smeared over the shop front and the words 'Fuck You' scratched into the glass, while in Taunton, Somerset, an anonymous caller told staff to "watch their backs". Promotional campaign blackboards were also covered with "Keep Hunting" stickers, photos of which appeared on the online forum of the magazine Horse & Hound.
The Countryside Alliance, which has been highly critical of Lush's decision to support the HSA, has urged hunt supporters not to target the stores. In a statement, the charity, which campaigns to overturn the ban on fox hunting, said: "It is important to realise that while the rural community is deeply upset at Lush's misguided decision to support the Hunt Saboteurs Association, any sort of direct, abusive or tactical protest, illegal or legal, is not appropriate and such action will most definitely not be supported by the Countryside Alliance."
The Alliance had previously criticised Lush for supporting the HSA, saying it "advocates direct action and illegal methods to disrupt hunting activities". Head of media Tim Bonner said: "While we support the view that everyone has their right to an opinion, there are groups who legally oppose hunting, and the HSA is not one of them."
Hunt saboteurs have been regularly criticised for the methods they employ in disrupting hunts. Many hunt followers tell tales of having been pulled from their horses by "sabs".
Lee Moon, of the HSA, said: "The only reason the HSA continues to exist is because hunts up and down the country routinely break the law while killing foxes. We are the only ones who see what is really going on in the countryside, and it's we who are responding to it by getting between the hunters and the hunted, much the same as we have been doing for almost half a century. The hunts are still killing, the police aren't policing and so we are still sabbing."
The company, founded by Mark Constantine, donated more than £500,000 to charities and campaign groups last year. In December 2008 it paid the legal fees of the 56 protesters from Plane Stupid who broke into Stansted airport and delayed thousands of passengers.
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